I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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