i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
