cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
I wonder how skeet ulrich feels about the skeet skeet phrase and and what it denotes.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
