I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
My feet surprised me
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
