I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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