your parents love me but you hate me
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
I AM VODKA MAN
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Randomize
