so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
my liver is dry heaving
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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