Can Purell be used as lube?
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
Randomize
