I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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