The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
