There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Randomize
