Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
I checked into jail on foursquare
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
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