she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
Randomize
