Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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