i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
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