is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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