i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
Randomize
