That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
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