I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Randomize
