I accidentally had phone sex last night
I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize
