Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
My liver is preforming stress tests.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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