Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
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