So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
