I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
