I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
