You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
