i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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