SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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