I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
Randomize
