What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
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