great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Randomize
