So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
I enjoy the company of your penis
Randomize