sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Randomize
