if i can run in heels then i can drive
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
We smell like vodka and hangover
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