Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize