I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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