I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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