so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
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