You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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