I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
