he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
