My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
i was like the pretty and slutty 8th grade girl who goes to a party, gets wasted, and ends up having sex with a senoir
details?
alcohol + bed + penis = sex
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Randomize
