did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
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