After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
Randomize
