Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Randomize
