i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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