I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
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