Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Randomize
