I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize
