we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
