shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
