you will always have a special place in my vag
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Just puked most of my soul out..
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
