Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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