Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
Sext me about skeletons
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
